Looking for Papi

Thursday, October 29, 2020

9:21 PM

Hey, You …

October is the anniversary of my Papi’s transition from his space and time here on Earth.

I miss him every day.  There really isn’t a day I don’t think about him.  My grief has evolved over the years in a number of ways but what remains constant is a tug I feel on my heart whenever I think of Papi.  I know it will never go away.

So, with Fall being my favorite season, and it also being the season of Papi’s sunset … I am usually an emotional mess in Autumn.  (No commentary from the Peanut Gallery, please.)

At once, all the colors – all my favorite colors – are painting the skies and all of my beloved parks, trails, and streams, with abandon.  I’m thrilled.  It’s Mother Nature’s way of distracting me a little, I think. 

She knows enough to flood my senses with her incredible beauty to offset the incredible pain and loss around the bend.  She even sends raptors – eagles, hawks, and falcons – my favorites, to migrate through, in an effort to distract me even more.

Because the calendar is about to remind me where I am.

Suddenly, it’s the end of September, and October 13th is coming up quickly.  Why?  Why, God?  Why?

I’m plummeted to a depth of understanding that I don’t understand anything.

And, maybe that’s ok.

I don’t need to know all the scientific reasons the leaves go from green to gone, gifting me with an incredible color recital in between.

It is enough to observe and to be awed.

I don’t need to know God’s reasons for calling Papi.

The date and season come and go, and more and more every year, it is enough to observe and to be awed.

I had 36 years with him.  I was blessed with a father who loved me, was my biggest cheerleader and, when he was ready, heard everything I needed to say to him.

Maybe I can think about the whole thing differently. 

Papi has his own season.

He left in Fall so his spirit had a clearer path to heaven.  The trees are changing color and dropping leaves so Papi’s spirit has a clearer path to visit me.    

On, December, 1, 2020, my essay, Looking for Papi, will be published in the literary journal, midnight & indigo.

The essay is about Papi and me.

It is enough to observe and to be awed.

Thank you, Papi.

Thank you, God.

Thank you.



My favorite tree in Fall.

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